Anyone that knows me is aware that I’m quite the Melrose obsessive, although in full disclosure I’ll readily admit to tuning out once Kimberly died of a tumor. I always imagined how Melrose Place would come back if some enterprising and hopefully homosexual televisionary elected to bring it back. While this new version for the aughts (helmed by Smallville writers Todd Slavkin and Darren Swimmer) isn’t the maniacal, bitchy campfest we came to love in the 90s, it has way more long-term potential. (This review is pretty exhaustive, so if you don’t want to suffer from forced MP-immersion, stop reading now.)
There are three distinct characters we’re reminded of when we think of what made the previous Melrose so glorious, and they all seemed to hit around the same time in the early part of our show’s history. There’s obviously Heather Locklear’s Amanda Woodward, who injected a show about boring, angsty twentysomethings with frank, snarky one-liners and raging sexuality. One of the best things about Melrose was its over-the-top catty dialogue (which this new version desperately needs, but more on that later), that typically manifested itself in humiliating boardroom showdowns between Amanda and Alison.
The second component was Marcia Cross as Kimberly Shaw, who brought the crazy by stealing babies, setting up murder plots, having multiple personalities reside in her head and famously blowing up the apartment complex in the third season’s finale. Kimberly’s nearly-supernatural presence gave the show its most infamous villain, provided the most shocking cliffhangers and kept viewers on the edge of their seats wondering what her crazy ass would do next. Many people point to Locklear as this show’s saving grace (and she did, technically, save it from cancellation) but once Kimberly Shaw ran out of steam, so did MP1.0.
Third would be Sydney Andrews, portrayed by Laura Leighton. Originally written as Jane’s nuisance little sister (although Leighton is a couple years older than Josie Bissett in real life), Sydney evolved into an amateurish schemer whose plans always, hilariously, backfired. But the thing about Sydney’s character arc that seemed to strike a cord (and earn Leighton a Golden Globe nod) was the amount of sympathy she engendered. No matter how desperate or obnoxious Sydney behaved, you always felt endeared towards her and maybe a little sorry. The moment she began to mellow out and find love with a man that wasn’t using or exploiting her–BAM! She was hit by a car on her wedding day, effectively closing out the fifth season and presumably dead.
MP2.0 brings Sydney back to life as a calculating cougar with a cocktail. Her death was faked with the help of Dr. Michael Mancini, who also returns and is super-rich, married and has a young son named Noah. We learn of Sydney’s various connections to the new residents, and not all of them hold her in high regard. At once it is revealed that she is the new landlady, occupying the top penthouse apartment. She has a sexual history with resident David Breck (Shaun Sipos) who is also Michael Mancini’s illegitimate offspring. Sydney was screwing father and son, which isn’t very surprising at all, but sets off all kinds of juicy dynamics between Sipos and Thomas Calabro. Sydney is also responsible for the career of Ella Simms (Katie Cassidy), who appears to be a successful PR agent and behaves like someone grew her from residual Amanda Woodward DNA. She’s heteroflexible, and this isn’t an important plot point but helps explain the slight sexual tension that exists between Ella and Sydney when the latter evicts Ella from the complex and threatens to end her career.
Auggie Kirkpatrick (Colin Egglesfield) became friends with Sydney in AA, so he actually likes her. We don’t know a lot about Auggie other than he’s a sous chef at Coal, a hot Los Angeles restuarant that looks like a disco where people eat sushi and feel each other up in darkened corridors. We want more scenes with Auggie, because Egglesfield is beautiful to look at, but he lives in the shadows this episode, right up until he sets fire to what appears to be evidence in the murder of Sydney Andrews.
Yes, they resurrected the character of Sydney only to kill her within the show’s opening scenes. Any further interaction with Sydney is via flashback. Drat!
This is a major point of contention with fans of the original series, who most likely tuned in to reacquaint themselves with old favorites. But there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. There are rumors that when the showrunners originally courted Heather Locklear to return, this murder plot (wherein she’d be the victim) was written for her. She turned it down. We can only assume that we still have the return of Amanda to look forward to since Sydney ended up being the one that bit it.
Which brings us back to the issue of Ella, who is being positioned as Amanda’s heir-apparent. She’s blonde, sexy, stylish, professional and has snappy one-liners. We’re supposed to believe this all adds up to Hell On Wheels but I’d rather the writers abandon any notions of making her the show’s main bitch. The first reason is that no one can do Amanda like Locklear, but the second may be the potential that lies within the casting of Stephanie Jacobsen as Lauren Yung.
When we meet Lauren, she’s a med student that needs to pay her inflated tuition and is considering having sex for money. Her moral dilemma lasts all of five minutes, so blah blah blah I’m not interested in this storyline. What this show has in Jacobsen is an exotic beauty with an Australian accent. My suggestion is to exploit this and make her the bitch of the show. The blonde bitch archetype is so 90s. The bitch-with-an-accent archetype never dies! Also, she can be the modern embodiment of the evil doctor on this show, a role shared by Michael, Kimberly and Peter Burns.
Oddly, I don’t find myself so invested in the “Who Killed Sydney” mystery, as much as I’m rivited by arguably the two most boring, self-righteous characters on the show. They are Jonah and Riley (Michael Rady and Jessica Lucas), the happy couple with the sort of regular couple issues better suited for the first season of the original. It’s all domestic bliss, but they’re clearly being set up for failure. As a viewer, I can’t tell if this is a Billy/Allison situation or a Michael/Jane one, but the crash-and-burn of these two should be spectacular.
Last, and certainly least, is Violet Foster played by a suspiciously red-headed Ashley Simpson. I hope she turns out to be the killer so she can be carted off to jail, never to be seen or heard from again. Look, I don’t expect Emma Thompson-level acting on this show, but Simpson is distracting. She looks twelve and keeps throwing herself at Auggie, who is played by a 36-year-old. Send her ass to 90210, please!
Simpson aside, this show has a few things going for it that its predecessor didn’t, namely the pacing. It gets really dirty really fast, effectively skipping over an entire year’s worth of boring, angsty drama that existed in MP1.0. It’s obvious that the new showrunners are attempting to strike a balance between wacky Melrose and earnest Melrose, and so far they’re doing that exceptionally well.
Another welcome element is the depiction of Los Angeles as a city. The original MP was set in LA, but the action seemed to unfold in a vacuum. Here, the exteriors and aerials, even if they are stock, seem a bit more authentic and give the show more texture. Also, the new show is a bit more slick. The budget is obviously higher and the director opts for more of a film look, setting certain shots in darker tones while employing bright spalshes of color here and there. In advance reviews, this version of Melrose has been favorably likened to noir. I wouldn’t go that far, but the visual nods to noir is welcome and elevates what is otherwise your basic youth-oriented drama.
I do, however, have a few gripes with this show. I realize this is just the beginning and many of these characters have yet to really start despising each other, but this is Melrose and I need the bitchy dialogue to pop at a steady clip. In between explosions, murder attempts, and nasty sex existed hilariously wicked and mean-spirited lines of dialogue between characters. Shows like this have proven time and time again that bitchy bon mots never go out of style. The sooner this show pulls out the claws, the better.
What seems to be missing overall is a gay sensibility. Aside from the lack of bitchy lines, this show feels almost overwhelmingly hetero and male, which absolutely does not work on shows like this. Auggie needs to be shirtless as often as possible. The female characters need to be slapping the snot out of each other. There needs to be a diva meltdown like Jasmine Guy’s turn as Caitlin in the original. A few gratuitous closeups of Ella’s shoes wouldn’t hurt either.
Another glaring issue is the lack of tenants. There are only seven characters in the main cast. Once you factor in that Lauren and Ella are roommates, Jonah and Riley also share an apartment, and Sidney’s dead, that brings the number of units occupied to a whopping total of five. Someone else needs to move in. They should be male, shirtless, and own a gun. Or a machete.
The really good news is that Victor Webster has been cast as Ella’s gay boss Caleb. With any luck, he’ll become a full-time player. Besides, the complex will need a new landlord. He looks like this:
Dear God in Heaven…
Josie Bissett and Daphne Zuniga will also make appearances as Jane and Jo, respectively. And Kelly Carlson, who played porn star Kimber Henry on Nip/Tuck, will show up in the form of a madame.
Not for nothing, but this show had a target on its back since it was announced. The Internet peanut gallery bleated endlessly about The CW running out of ideas for resurrecting this show in the same manner as 90210. The spoiler that Sydney would be brought back only to be killed again along with Locklear’s lack of involvement pissed off fans of the original. The casting of Ashlee Simpson made it all the worse. But true die-hards should be able to appreciate that this new version has hit the ground running, whereas the original meandered about aimlessly until Locklear showed up. The show seems to be onto something and perhaps deserves a chance. I’ve read the second episode is even better than the pilot.
I’ll be tuning in, and possibly reviewing, next week.
Speaking of things that need to stay their asses in the 90s, how about this? Foxy Brown (1) has a new song called “Off The Muscle” and (2) makes a desperate, unfunny reference to Lil’ Kim’s DWTS stint. We’re past the point of giving a shit who’s better. I mean, if forced to choose between a bat turd and a bunny turd, which one do you think we’d pick? Is either less turdly? Exactly! And no, I don’t feel any sympathy towards either of them for Hip-Hop being male-dominated. They’ve both made ridiculous personal and professional choices and have yet to satisfactorily follow-up their debut albums from over 10 years ago. 10 YEARS! I can’t with these brawds. More here…