If for no reason other than to update this thing I present to you this Montage of Death from Melrose Place. This is from the original, not the pale imitation that returns tonight (my charitable review of the pilot is here). What makes Melrose deaths so delightful is how humiliating they are. You don’t die in a fit of heroic sacrifice, you must fall to your death with someone else in the room (so it looks like murder), or bump your head on a hard surface or you simply die off-screen as was the case with underused and departed Gay Matt. There’s no such thing as a dignified death in this world, assuming anyone stays dead for long.
Archive for the ‘kill her’ Category
‘Showgirls 2′ is a thing that actually exists.
One of my favorite films to enjoy over the holidays with family is Showgirls, because if there’s anything that can bring a bunch of full, drunk Black people together it’s Jesse Spano mispronouncing the names of famous designers. This magnificent piece of shit came out fifteen years ago, so obviously it’s long overdue for a sequel, right? Cut to: this.
The trailer for Showgirls Fucking 2 begins with a creepy repurposing of Scholly D’s “PSK (What Does It Mean)” as an apparently drugged stripper (I’m assuming) spills out of the tub only to be repeatedly cracked upside the head with a dumb bell by another drugged (?) stripper (?).
Then it gets bizarre: Someone sees the murder and screams, then there’s a close-up of some eyes, random insert of skull and cross bones, extended closeup of frightened eyes, Skelator (educated guess) playing the violin (man all typsa shit), some skank is dancing like a skank, a club is on fire, asscheeks grinding against a stripper pole ever so deliberately (she’s focused), extended shots of girl-on-girl, a buncha cops here and there and then I fucking gave up.
Man, listen. I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is these brawds look busted and old as hell.
Showgirls: The Return – Official Site (via Moveline)
Spike Jones slaps the shit out of Kanye, fulfilling the dreams of Taylor Swift fans wordwide.
In this behind-the-scenes footage from “We Were Once a Furry Shitmonster”, director Spike Jones attempts to get Kanye West to pay attention to the script, but Kanye is too busy on his smartphone setting up dates with male prostitutes. So Spike Jones bitchslaps him. Haha. Too bad this was also scripted.
Your spoiled teenage brat will be slaughtered to my delight.
If you’re anything like me and have watched at least 5 minutes of MTV’s My Super Sweet 16, you probably thought to yourself “Gasp! These shrill, entitled young people are mutants! These little shits must meet their grisly end on film!” Yes, those very words crossed your mind, in that order. You must also then enjoy shitfully-acted slasher flicks with piss-poor dialog and an assortment of cleavage. Enter My Super Psycho Sweet 16, an original MTV movie that fulfills the stabby fantasies of old, broke Americans all over America. It premiers 10/23. I do not have cable so I won’t be watching. One of the main reasons I don’t want cable is because of MTV, obviously.