Archive for the ‘Hey stop that!!’ Category

Hey stop that!! // February 21st, 2010 // 1 Comment

When emails look like mixtapes.

Look, I understand how frustrating it is for you music industry types to get the word out about MC Shitstain and Yung Filth’s latest “collabo”, considering no one is buying records anymore and there are more MCs than mics. However, you need to tell your interns, A&Rs and other assorted hired goons to stop sending out these dreadful-looking email blasts. Even when I was writing at a music blog I gaveth not a fuck about obnoxious promos for awful rap acts and I certainly have less than a fuck to give now. Why is all of this your subject line?:

 

All of these WORDS.

 

Why are you shouting at me in my inbox? Please tell me because I am so distraught that every time I see one of these I could do a Toni Braxton “Un-Break My Heart” wall-slide. There are three bios in this email: One for the artist, one for the label and one for the fucking network that is used to send these awful things. That’s 1,038 words of shit I don’t care about and that ultimately will never matter to anyone. Do the letters “TL;DR” mean anything to you? And then you have the nerve to shout at me in all-caps to “SUPPORT THIS RECORD!” Might your chin be interested in supporting my nuts? Fair is fair.

 

And, no, unsubscribing from you won’t help because I didn’t subscribe in the first place, nor will replying that you are taking too long to kill yourself. So the only thing I can think to do to get rid of you is creating yet another email filter that sends your shit and others like it straight to the digital ether before it even hits my inbox. But you probably already have 50 other email addresses from which you can harass me IN ALL CAPS WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!

 

Your bedroom smells like dirty socks and pee.

Hey stop that!! // November 21st, 2009 // 2 Comments

Here is Mase, misappropriating the Bat-Signal. Fucker.

maseTypically, the best thing about 99% of mixtapes is the shitty artwork. Like, the way these guys squeeze the images of artists that would otherwise kill each other in person into one photo is the sort of ingenuity that should be celebrated. It’s not easy. Photo-splicing involves a lot of perspective-based resizing, artificial lighting enhancements, extracting and other un-fun techniques that make Photoshop such a bitch to deal with. So I take my hat off to those muhfuhs for even having the patience to tackle that shit.

 

But do me one favor and leave Batman out of it, particularly within the context of Mase. I will not listen to his new mixtape, I Do The Impossible, because there’s a shelf life when it comes to Mase, and we are finished with him. Batman, however, we will never be finished with. I do not like this re-purposed Bat-signal in the upper right corner. I take personal offense to it, much like I objected to the jackass that showed up to the midnight opening of The Dark Knight last year wearing a Superman shirt while the rest of us were in Batman tees. It’s like bringing a fucking menorah to a Christmas party. Don’t do that.