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In observance of the Oscars here are my reviews of movies I’ve never seen and don’t plan to, ever.

Avatar: Three months later and the Internet remains awash in putrid fanboy jism over this thing. OMG GET OUT OF MY RSS FEEDS, AVATARDS!

I can’t wait for this to be over, but at this rate I fear that won’t be for a while. I mostly go to the movies to see effects and shit blowing up and car chases and all the things that make a blockbuster a blockbuster, at least from a sensory perspective. But I don’t want to see this corny-looking shit, I don’t care how “beautiful” the cgi is. Whenever a movie is not only accompanied by hype and slavish Pop Cultural devotion, but saddled with so-called sub-textual political and social themes (that are somehow supposed to resonate with Americans that are distracted by all the pretty colors, natch) I start to get suspicious. I wish when movies like this came out that people like James Cameron would man-up and say “I just wanted to make a shitload of money.” I’d respect him a little bit more than if he were to take bits and pieces from every movie we’ve ever seen, dress it up in 3-D and manipulate people into thinking there’s more to it than a white man, once again, becoming the savior of a non-white culture.

I will also not be sitting down to watch Titanic, which I’ve successfully avoided over the past thirteen years due to my steadfast belief that Leonardo DiCaprio has always been overrated, shit (again) looks corny and Celine Dion is a pest. Cameron needs to carry his ass back over to the Terminator franchise so we’ll give a damn about it again.

Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire: The only place you’re going to find sympathy is between “shit” and “syphilis” in the dictionary. Etc.

I don’t care what Lord Oprah says about the “Preciouses of the world.” The only time I care about what she has to say is when she’s sitting across from Nate Berkus. I also don’t care if Lenny “Walking Sex Loaf” Kravitz is in it, you aren’t going to get me into a movie where a big girl steals a bucket of chicken and eats while running away then tell me I should feel guilty for laughing at that shit. C’mon, son. Not even after witnessing all the circumstances that led up to committing such an act. It’s a bucket of chicken. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not insensitive to the issues as they exist in reality but is there really any utility in me going to see a movie where illiteracy meets obesity meets sexual abuse meets physical abuse meets emotional abuse meets poverty meets AIDS other than feeling like I have Lee Daniels watching over my shoulder going “You crying yet?” C’mon, son. The worst kind of exploitation comes dressed as a message.

Twilight: I almost accidentally typed “Twitlight” and didn’t correct it.

My understanding of the Twilight series is that they are kinda like what Tyler Perry would do if he made movies about teen vampires, as in, utter nonsense. Admittedly, I tried like hell to get through 20 minutes of the first one but it was just so much “Bella has a sad” and trembling emo teen girl shit awash in blue filters with ugly stalker dude emo-ing in the background. I was squirming in my seat, squinting my eyes and sighing repeatedly. I dig teen flicks, vampires, adaptations and can stomach romance to a degree. But sitting through even 20 minutes of this was like having someone slowly and deliberately yank out every hair on my arm–tedious and needlessly painful. I’ve seen miserable teens in movies before, but those teens were usually on drugs and the film was better written and better acted, with attractive crackhead teenagers. This was fanfic and I’ll never watch another minute of it or the sequels. iRefuse.

Dreamgirls: I just have an aversion to The Culture of Screaming Divas.

By all reason, I should be genetically predisposed to wanting to see a movie like this, what with me being Black and a homosexual. Look, I know I’m not special, but damn-near my entire social life leading up to the theatrical release, during, and up until the DVD release and beyond was rather like doing undercover work in a cult: “Oh, you mean in order to have cocktails with you I have to hear about this movie again?” and so forth. “Oh hey, you know Ghostface has a new album out? Oh. Yes, Dreamgirls… No, you didn’t interrupt me. I only wanted to talk about something I give a passing shit about. Continue.”

There is no movie I want to see less than this trantastic massacre. It has Beyoncé. Screaming. Jennifer Hudson. Screaming. Eddie Murphy. Existing. But mainly? Beyoncé. This is not the sort of young lady I wish to see in the motion pictures! I can only take her in mp3 form and I have this thing called a “Don’t You Fucking Go See Her In Movies” rule, that I already broke twice. The first time was when I watched Cadillac Records, only because I was threatened at gunpoint. That’s what a relationship is, right? A gun? So I watched that and her performance depressed me, not because she played a tragic (and amazingly still living) real life person. But Etta James is super-feisty and doesn’t talk like she’s in a coma, I don’t care how high she is. So then, Obsessed, which I watched because it was a Friday and Netflix has an on-demand service and I was feeling adventurous and had a pizza, and I could also tweet the fuck out of it as I watched, sarcastically. This movie was so much shit. She wasn’t that bad but only by a degree of comparison to the piece of shit movie she was in.  That’s called a “curve.” So my “Don’t You Fucking Go See Her In Movies” rule is one I plan never to break again.

Plus everyone knows, historically, that Dreamgirls is a Sparkle rip-off. Dreamgirls is Sparkle if Sparkle was a 3-ring gotdamn circus. I’d sooner watch a c-section. No, wait. I’d sooner watch Transformers 2 again, which is clinically proven to look and feel and sound more painful than a c-section.

I would go see all of these if someone went back and put Batman in them, retroactively.

Tags: avatar, batman, beyoncé, blockbuster, celine dion, dreamgirls, james cameron, Lee Daniels, leonardo dicaprio, nonsense, oprah, precious, sequel, Terminator, Titanic, transformers, twilight, tyler perry