World will implode when new Rihanna album is released.

You will die.You want Armageddon? I’ve got your Armageddon right here, Hortense. If there’s One. Thing. all of the world awaits at this very moment, it is a new Rihanna album. Don’t believe me? There is proof all over the World Wide Web. Rihanna enjoys leaving the house looking fierce in crazy shit, and every paparazzi in the vicinity tramples over sweet puppies and old ladies to get a shot. These things do not happen with just anyone. They do not.

 

In three days, the first of many disasters will have the world in it’s feral grip according to the Countdown to Red Death clock on Rihanna’s shocking website. Then, on November 23, all manner of screeching hell will break loose. There will be stigmata. We will crack each other’s skulls open in search of treasure. And all of my white gay friends will vomit on one another in ecstacy. These things were all foretold in the Bible and Women’s Wear Daily. You will die.

 




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6 Responses

    LoLo B says:

    Your sarcasm sliced my eyeballs. I can’ even side-eye the rejected RuffRyders logo used for the promo pic. Lmao

    Liz says:

    you are so out of control.

    but so right.

    Your Better Half says:

    I’m sitting at the edge of my torrent impatiently waiting to bootleg it. heh.

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