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Much has been written about a disturbing trend in Pop music where a singer adopts an alter-ego that is a little more fearless, a little more sexy and completely without boundaries. This is the sort of thing that plays directly into the hands of fans that love to attach epic mythologies to their divas where none before existed. For the rest of us, it’s at best pure comedy and at worst completely tiresome. Seems Lola didn’t get the memo.

Mariah Carey a.k.a. “Mimi”: Perhaps the most successful with this device was Mariah Carey, since upon Mimi’s emancipation the world began to take her seriously as a star again. Since then, Mimi has become a little, oh shall we say, self-indulgent? This Mimi person has swallowed Mariah Carey whole and there’s no hope left for humanity.

Mary J. Blige a.k.a. “Crazy Mary”: Mary’s other alter-ego “Brooke” actually serves a purpose in that she “raps”, so we’ll let that one slide. Let’s, for a moment, try to figure out what the hell Mary was thinking with this comment to Angie Martinez:

“It [auto-tune] was for effect. I wanted ‘Crazy Mary’ to get her shine on. She couldn’t get her shine with my regular voice. I used the effect. I used it as a telephone effect or reverb.”

Whatever. The only “Crazy Mary” I’ve ever cared about was the one that ate collard greens out of styrofoam containers and threatened bodily harm to interviewers. Not the one that sounds like a robot.

Beyoncé a.k.a. “Sasha Fierce!”: This Sasha! Fierce! person was created by Beyoncé’s reliable troupe of 50-year-old gay men, from whom she’s learned an entire dictionary’s worth of outdated jargon. For her next trick, she will invent a new dance craze called “voguing.” You whores ain’t ready!

Ciara a.k.a. “Super C”: Ciara is usually late to the parade with most things, so many of us weren’t surprised when she unveiled “Super C”, a comic book superhero that was about as effective as Handi Man when it came to pushing her last album.

Jennifer Lopez a.k.a. “Lola”: Our most recent offender is Jennifer I-Refuse-To-Sit-Down Lopez, who has the Internets simply ablaze with her “Who is Lola?” campaign. The new identity was perhaps invented to set up her new single “Fresh Out the Oven” (if you would like to hear this magnificent piece of shit, click here), but doesn’t go a very long way in redeeming anything we know about Jennifer Lopez. None of us have, in fact, forgotten and aren’t particularly fooled or distracted by Lola:

An aging second-rate pop star who, despite a lack of serious talent, has managed to make serious cash. This enables you to do all sorts of ill-advised things, like make bad movies with Jane Fonda (and Ben Affleck, Matthew McConaughey, and husband Skeletor Marc Anthony, co-star of “El Cantante.”). And, in between all the movie-making, you release overproduced singles every now and then that tend to fall flat. As far as I can tell, your career apex seems to have been the press you received for wearing a revealing dress to the Grammys in 2000. So, did I nail it or what?

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Tags: beyoncé, ciara, jennifer lopez, mariah carey, mary j. blige