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What do we think about when we think about douchebags? The definition can be broad in the midst of applying it indiscriminately to average buttholes we dislike. But there are a few tried and true characteristics of douchebags particularly in Hip-Hop, a culture that has become a sanctified bosom within which rabid douchery can cultivate and at once thrive. Let’s rundown a few shining examples of douchery in Hip-Hop with these infamous Hip-Hop douchebags, rated by your requisite and handy vinegar-to-water ratio. Haha. Fun happens now.

This is rapper Jim Jones. Look at him. He likes to wear shades and talk a bunch of shit, like most rappers. But then he has to go and wear these hilariously snug thermos. In the “Pop Champagne” video, he and his merry band of douchebags are showering each other in champagne. What is that? How are you going to have a wet t-shirt contest with just your boys and allow someone to film it? It’s because he wants to prove he can procure copious amounts of champagne, obviously, and to drive that point home he will splash it on a man instead of the typical method of letting it loose on a hired video vixen. Douchebags like to go out of their way to prove shit like this. You will always believe in his firm, religious commitment to champagne whether you want to or not. Because he made you believe it by doing something borderline gay. And filming it. [vinegar/water ratio: 2:3]

Do you see Pitbull here flanked by “The Ladies”? He is so Miami with his shades and chest hair, is he not? He isn’t famous for douchey antics so much as he is for making music that people like to make fun of. That’s why he made this list. Have you heard his latest? Pitbull’s music is crafted with the explicit intent of getting douchebags ready for a night out on the town, so they can talk shit really loud, wear obnoxious shades at night, demand bottle service at their tables, wave their cashfans, and attempt to book more than one female simultaneously. He probably also wears too much cologne. [1:4]

Look at this hot, Softsheen Carson mess. R. Kelly thinks he is a rapper so we’ll include him, especially since he references “bottles”, “the club” and “V.I.P.” more than any artist ever. He, despite the rapidly increasing shitfulness of his music, will do things like dye his hair gold to prove how fearless he is, and how he steadfastly does not give a fuck what you or I think of him. He will take perfectly good R&B songs by other artists and make a “mixtape” version, wherein he’ll sing-rap/rap-sing about himself and all the haters he’s accrued over the years. The haters to which he often refers are over the age of 35 and are parents of teenage girls. [4:1]

You will not suppress your disdain for Polow da Don, beatmaker and “King of All White Girls.” When he’s not singing and dancing in the jungle with his friends Pumba and Simba, he’s taking as many shirtless photos as possible and complaining about women of color. This insufferable prick. He also likes to claim credit for beats that ship with GarageBand. A key component to being a douchebag is talking ridiculous, offensive shit and boasting loudly about your sexual prowess with certain types of women. You will not overlook his shades. You will acknowledge that he is a diabolical meerkat. [3:2]

Do you see this indignant douche? If not for Scott Storch finally discovering humility, Dame Dash would only be the second biggest douchebag in Hip-Hop. He is an arrogant hot-head at the center of many infamous beefs in Hip-Hop. He is also directly responsible for signing Dipset to Roc-A-Fella Records, a group of douchebags that were resplendent in pink and purple garb and had egos that were inversely proportionate to their record sales. Dame Douche is extremely rich and successful in spite of his many fuckups, therefore he will never truly realize that being the biggest douchebag in Hip-Hop is actually a bad thing. Even Jay-Z couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him, and Jay-Z is friends with Kanye West. [5:0]

Tags: Dame Dash, douchebags, Jim Jones, Pitbull, Polow, R. Kelly, wasteful uses of champagne